"And that is why you all belong in jail."

I'm pretty sure that's how my speech ended. Porn, drugs, and guns are running rampant in the 4th grade. But I actually wasn't even responding to any of those crimes. I'll leave that for another day. I was only addressing the cheating and lying at the time of the "jail" talk. My kids are bad. I'm mean like, stealing a teacher's cell phone bad. And they are not smart. I mean like, stealing the cell phone and taking their picture with it. And that's just the girls! I spend more time doing CSI and other detective work rather than actually teaching, and it truly is an art-form to get a child to confess. They know that I can't do anything to them unless they confess. So I just use basic interrogational strategies. My mom suggested that I just tell the kids that my dad is a preacher and that he's going to send them all the Hell. She laughed hysterically when she told me this. I learned very quickly that it's not wise to talk to her on speakerphone in Kroger. Don't worry though, my dad is not Catholic and he is also not a priest or bishop or whatever who does that sort of thing. It has been suggested that I write more about my incredible adventures in teaching. Let me warn you though, the future of America ain't lookin' so bright. Most of the time the kids behavior isn't really funny when it is actually happening. It's usually later when I go home and think about what happened and I start cracking because it's all so ridiculous.