Tomorrow will be my first full day back at school in 2 weeks! I'm actually kinda excited. Except when I think about the fact that these kids have had a substitute for an entire week. Lord, grant me patience.

I've been very sick since returning to the USA and it might be due to the fact that I've picked up a cute little spanish-speaking parasite. I like to call him Pedro. Our relationship is complicated.

Pedro: Te amo, Maleeesa.

Me: I know, Pedro, but your love is killing me.

Pedro: Lo siento.

Me: I think we should see other people. It's time for you to go.

Pedro: El corazon rompe.

Estados Unidos

Somewhere in between getting stuck in the Bahamas, sleeping 4 hours a night, 12 hour car rides, eating fish heads, the rampant livestock, and losing Kelley's passport in Qba, I had fun. It would take too long to explain right now. But if I complain at all this week about anything in my life, I would be a fool. I am very glad to be home.

Dear doctors,

Please tell me what NOT to check off when you give me that pink paper that asks about all my problems. If you are going to stare at me like I'm crazy and tell me to see my "regular" doctor because I checked the box "see flashing lights", then I won't check that box! I'm just being honest! I see lights. And they're flashing. But I won't tell you about it if you're gonna make a big deal out of it.

And when the nurse tells me that my insurance company wants everyone to get a HIV test once a year, and I say OK. Then don't give me a lecture about possibly having HIV. (By the way, that test was negative--good to know) I didn't think I had HIV, I was just doing what the nurse and my insurance told me to do!

love,
your favorite hypochondriac

p.s. My nickname at work is "the druglord" so please keep those prescriptions flowing....

Disclaimer: Ok, so my nickname is actually based upon the fact that I have more OTC drugs in my purse than the school nurse and more advocare vitamins than I know what to do with.

Dear girls who shop for clothes with their boyfriends,

If your boyfriend is trying to get you to buy something that you don't think looks good on you, I can promise you one thing. It is probably too skanky to wear and you shouldn't buy it. Do not listen to him.

A lesson from God at Super Target

I was on the phone with Rebes and we were discussing choices in life. You know, like, where should I live? Why am I in Houston? Should I change careers? What residency she should pursue? And we were discussing the ever present question of "what's God's will for my life?" Also I was contemplating which cookie dough to buy. I couldn't decide between the peanut butter cups and the regular chocolate chip. Also there's the choice of Pillsbury or Tollhouse. After seeking Godly wisdom from Rebes and about an hour of agonizing over this tough decision. I decided to "settle" with the Pillsbury regular chocolate chip, even though it wasn't what I really wanted, but it was the best choice available. I reach to take the package and guess what!! There was Pillsbury peanut butter cups behind it! What!?? It was better than I had ever imagined.

Moral of the story: Sometimes God pushes you toward a direction and maybe it doesn't "feel" right or you're very hesitant to follow. Maybe it's not exactly what you want. But then after you have made that decision, He reveals something to you that is better than you ever dreamed. Maybe you have to reach out in faith for the chocolate chip to ultimately get the peanut butter.

Just in case you haven't decided what you are doing for St. Patty's Day, let me help you make that decision. They are playing at Sherlock's. Oh yeah, and my friend's band is opening for them.

Who rocked the body who rocked the party?

Went to a new class on Wednesday. It was better than Pilates. I was the newbie and everyone stared at me. The instructor was this butch construction worker chick from the 80s with a huuuuuge gap in her front teeth. So obviously, I loved her. But my favorite part was when she walked around the room and would point and yell "AWESOME!!" and "SUPER!!" and "PEEEERRRRFECT!" at me. Yes, me. All the pointing was to me. Yeah, I rocked that Sculpt class. Ok, so I was the only one under 60 and not preggers.

It's not about the stoplight.

After spending 28 minutes at a stoplight (which was NOT broken), I have decided I don't like Houston. Yes, it took me 4 years and 3 months to determine this. I think it's time to move on. For several reasons that I will not publicly write about. But I just wanted to let you know. Just in case you get sad when I move away. You can't say that I haven't warned you that I'm going to quit Houston.

Engaged!!

No, not me. Don't worry, I have been reminded 3 times this week (yes, it's only Tuesday) "And that, Melissa, is why you will never get married." So I have a big mouth and I'm cynical. Whatever.

My friend Kelly got engaged and I love the story!! So here it is:

"He took me to Vic and Anthony's for Valentine's Day and when the waiter brought over the dessert menu it was actually a menu he had made that was an exact replica of the actual dessert menu and the last selection said "Kelly will you marry me" and I read it about five times before I looked up and said "is this for real?" and then he dropped to one knee in the front of everyone in the restaurant and asked me to marry him."

LOVE IT!!!

Knowing me, I would have ruined it and ordered something else. "Um yes, I'll have the creme brulee"

R.I.P. Reba's blog

Sadly, Rebes has become paranoid that one of her colleagues might discover the true identity of her blog so she has terminated the link. However, she has assigned me the task of renaming her site so that no one will ever associate her with it.

Please vote for your favorite:

"Asian babies and placentas are hot"
"Hottie with a body"
"I can't find my purple upside down glasses"
"Me gusta big muscles"
"I drive a Toyota"
"I'm too sexy for my car"
"I miss my lisp"
"Don't hate just because you can't relate"
"Single and ready to mingle"
"Terminally awkward"
"Liquid lunch"
"I fell off a stripper pole in the party bus and tore my ACL"
"You're just another vagina" (this is what she told me today after i told her about the trip to the gyno)
"Don't worry...I'm a doctor."

Unfortunately, these suggestions were too obviously descriptive of Reba and so obviously Reba, so she wishes that you suggest more.

Voting....not my idea of fun

Mom: So are you excited about voting tomorrow?

me: What? i don't vote. (just to get her all mad....hehe)

mom: You don't vote???! Why!? Since when? Have you EVER voted?? What's wrong with you? I need you to go vote for my man!!

me: Mom, Huckabee is not going to win.

mom: He might!! (proceeds to discuss politics for about 15 minutes or so as I download music from Itunes and put the phone down)

me: Well, it doesn't really matter to me. i'm probably going to leave the country soon anyways.

mom: But you'll come back one day....right? And just think, when you come back...Huckabee might be the prez!!!

me: Mom, just because you met him and you think you're best friends now doesn't mean he's going to invite you to the white house or anything....

mom: He might....

me: Ok, well that's a good reason for me not to vote for him. You do not need to be anywhere near the white house.

mom: (goes on for about 20 minutes about how Huckabee will win just like Ronald Reagan)

me: ????

hmm......

Man gets shot to avoid work

Please note the reason why he was avoiding work.

I can't decide....

I'm really horrible at making decisions. As the famous, Reba, once said...

"Stop making decisions! You are horrible at making your own decisions. From now on, let me make your decisions for you!"

This is coming from the chick who sends me weekly emails asking what color shoes she should purchase for work. No one is going to be looking at your shoes in the hospital. I promise.

Pilates

So I went to a new Pilates class today and it's one of those classes where everyone is like super fit and there are only like 5 people in the class. I definitely stood out in my tight black pants surrounded my mirrors showing off all my ASSets. And the instructor stares at me the entire time. And she kept saying, "we've never done this move before, but let's try it..." and every move was for your hips and thighs. So she stared at my hips in the mirror during every move and then "ok, guys, keep going.....now another move we've never done before...." And sure enough, all we do are moves that work your hips and thighs. Nothing else. I know what she was doing. I'm very aware of the size of my hips, but thank you for noticing and making me work it out.

Inschool suspension = my room (Room 124)

So now I'm the official in school suspension room. Gotta love it. Today I had Booker T. in my room all day. We'll call him Booker T. And we can pretend that's not his name. But it is. I really like this kid. He's in my 4th grade tutorial group. I might be the only teacher in the school who actually likes him. Because he's bad. And lazy. And has a bad attitude. So naturally, I like him. He got caught stealing something from the principal. I'm not sure what he stole but it was on camera. I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to do with the inschool suspension kids, as I have not been trained on this. But I made him do some work and I made him cry. Mission accomlished. I think...?

I wonder who I'll have tomorrow......

By the way, the funniest kid alive, Marquis, sneaks out of his classroom(which is upstairs) every day around 11:30 to come ask me if I'll give him some Crystal Light......?? Everyday. Except, yesterday, he asked me to go get him Chickfila. ??? Everyday, I say the same thing. NO! Get out of here!

When his class walks by my room in the afternoon, I always hear his teacher say "no! marquis, ms. mcgoldrick does NOT want to talk to you. I promise. get back in line!"

I love my job.

Raised By Wolves

Raised By Wolves is a first grader who was sent to my room on Monday. When you first meet this child, you think she is very cute and sweet. That will last about 35 seconds and then she'll do some bizarre thing. She was in my room about 2 minutes sitting on the carpet with my class as we are sharing our journal writing. I explain to her that I expect her to be a big girl and sit on the floor and just watch everyone else and do what they are doing. After about 15 minutes, for no apparent reason, she gets up , walks over to the gerbil's cage, opens it, and proceeds to stick her arm in to grab the gerbil. Whaaaaat?? No! Stop! What are u thinking?? As we do work, I give her a coloring book so she can do her work. Randomly, she would scream or throw her hands on the desk to make a loud noise. My kids just stare and mutter 'freeeak.' under their breath. After about an hour of her, I was certain that she must be possessed. But then when we watched a video about context clues, she cuddles up in my lap showing signs of being human. Doesn't last long. At one point, she ran out of the room and down to the first grade hallway to get her lunch card. (not lunch time at all) I bring her back into my room and she starts stamping her arm with my stamps before I could grab her. I'm really glad I wore jeans and tshirt that day because all I did was chase this animal. All day I just kept thinking, "did that just happen?" My kids were really great about it. I had the girls show her how to stand in line, how to wash her hands, how to tuck in her shirt, how to tie her shoes, etc. I have always seen Raised By Wolves in the hallway, but to have her in the classroom was much more exciting. It was like a Choose your own Adventure for her. All day.

"Refocus"

So our school has this policy about "Refocus". It's basically a glorified 'timeout'. But it sounds more professional to say "you need to rethink your behavior in the refocus area" instead of "get in time-out". But if a kid is really bad then they get sent out of the room and placed in my room....don't ask. So our assistant principal comes in my room and puts a kid in my Refocus desk and says, "watch him until 2:15 and he can go back to class." Nice. So this kid throws all my papers everywhere and pouts. So I look at his paper and it has "jale" written on it. So of course, I'm like, "you're name is Jale?? Really ? like Jail? Like where bad people go."
"No that's not my name. "
"Ok, so Jale, what was your behavior?" (this is question #1 on the paper)
"stole someone's money"
"What??? really???"
GASP!!! (from my students)
"Well, what did you want?" (question #2)
"money"
"good answer. write that down."
#3 What will you do next time?
"I'll listen to my teacher."
"How would that help? I mean, really. You're a thief. You have a problem with stealing, not listening."
"oh.....can I go back to class."
"i haven't decided."
question #4 Are you ready to go back to class? check yes or no.
Jale was really excited about this question. "I'm ready. See, I put a check."
"No, that's an X, but you can't steal anymore. Got it? And we'll go talk to your teacher to see what she says. She might say no. I would say no if you were in my class."
"Ok, i'll be good. I won't steal no more. I promise."

So....does refocus work? Absolutely not. However, it makes my day so much more interesting when they send them to me. I'll write more about the girl I had yesterday that we refer to as "Raised By Wolves."

Google saves lives

Whenever I don't know an answer to something, I google it. My kids have started to answers questions with "why don't we just google it?" I love it!

For example, last week the kids asked what A.M and P.M meant in Latin. I knew it was latin but didn't know what. Now I know.

Today I couldn't figure out what building was on the back of the nickel. Now I know, but I'm not telling you'll have to google it yourself.

Happy President's Day

coworker: "Well, we work in HISD so we'll Cinco de Mayo off work before we get President's Day...."

What a great idea! It's a much better holiday anyways.