How to "slow your roll"

Don't worry, I am investigating this lovely new product. I love America.

To cut or not to cut?

What should I do with my hair??? Here are some options....

I'm also open to suggestions.

God is cool.

So 12 days ago, I decided to move to Egypt. And I needed someone to live with Ashley when I move out. She found a new roommate today!!! AMAZING!! Thank you all who have been praying about this.

This is where I'm moving in July...

This is where I'm moving in August..

typical summer school conversation.

crackbaby: Are you married?
me: no
crackbaby: You ain't got no husband?
me: no. That's what unmarried means.
crackbaby: do you live alone?
me: yes (kids do not understand roommates...it just ends up sounding like a lebanese thing)
crackbaby: you got one bathroom?
me: sure.
crackbaby: do you sleep in pajamas?
me: yes....(where is this going?)
crackbaby: i don't. i don't like pajamas. they make me sick. i get sick when i wear pajamas.
me:.....hmmm
crackbaby: why are you staring at me like that?
me: i'm just confused about the pajamas making you sick thing.
crackbaby: why you always look at me like i'm crazy?
me: well....let's eat our mash potatoes, ok?

you think you know....but you have no idea....

I'm really trying not to break out into hives with my current level of stress.

summer school...teaching dangerous minds and conferences with parents...grrrr
packing up classroom
packing up apartment
spanish class- 2 classes/week
VBS site coordinator--we only have 3 teachers signed up...please please please sign up!
finding and completing appropriate documents for Egypt
planning my move to VA beach in July- finding movers. trying to afford movers.
planning my move to Egypt in Aug.- deciding what to take a.k.a. what can fit in the suitcase
finding my current roommate a new roommate...please pray for this!
changing my address on EVERYthing
resigning from my current job--- lots of paperwork.
doctor appointments- scheduling and attending....
therapy sessions....

Big News

So I have some big news, but I would like to tell you in person or at least on the phone. So.....if the suspense is killing you then call me. Or email me. Or that skype me. Or that do that gay facebook chat thing. (I secretly like it.)

A flask on a keychain....whaaaat??

Thank you, Angela, for bringing this invention to my attention. There's so much to say about the keychain flask. Here are some FAQs:

First of all, who is this for? Anyone who needs to hide their drink with their keys.

Where would you need this? Any place where you would need to hide your drink. A few suggestions: A church service, while driving (this is the purpose of the keychain), a wedding cermony (totally understandable that you might need a drink), at work (enough said), while running or exercising at a gym.

Where can you purchase this? Vegas, baby. Or probably online.

Why?? No answer for this question.

facebook saves lives

Thanks to facebook I reconnected with an old friend. Actually this friend is a girl I used to babysit. She is now 16 and a Junior in HS!! Last time I saw her, she was 4 years old. So we are going to get together for lunch sometime soon. I told her that I remembered her a s crazy, dramatic, cute girl. Then she told me what she remembered about me.

"the one time I clearly remember was when I got really pissy and upset 'cause you didn't say bye. I was like somewhere ridiculous like my closet and my dad was like "wth?" and I was like "she left without saying byeeeee - wail- "then the next day I was fine. "

She was 4 at the time! How does she remember this!? Oh yes, I remember all my child psychology classes and the theories about childhood memories. I'm still bad about leaving without saying goodbye. I just don't think it's that big of a deal. I have to try really hard to remember to say goodbye. So if I say goodbye to you, then I have thought about it and planned to do it, so you must be pretty special.

like a prayer

Guess who is going to see Madonna in November??? ME!!!! We gots the tickets and I'm sooo excited!!! YOU should get tickets too!

No boys allowed

So on the way to work today I realize that I didn't bring any extra tampons and decide to stop at CVS. Well, if I'm going to get tampons, as embarrassing as that is, I might as well get pantyliners, pads--the whole shebang, right? Of course when I go to the checkout to confront my fear of buying female products in public, there's the cute, single manager ready to check me out. Crap. Ok, well I present to him my large purchase which takes up the entire counter. Please note that female products are my ONLY purchase. Nothing else. I had stashed the bag of cookies on a random aisle when I see that HE is my cashier. So he's ringing up my purchase, which takes an excruciatingly long time, and then he says, "Super duper." What? Is he referring to my absorbency of choice or maybe he says this all the time. The guy next to him says, "Wow, I haven't ever heard you say 'Super Duper'." Ok, so this is not a normal occurrence. Mortification. As I run out of the store with my enormous bag, I hear "Have a super duper day!" AHHH!!

You have won!

In case you haven't figured this out on your own....my blog is now private thanks to all the teachers getting in trouble on myspace . So now you have to be invited to read this. Yes, you are just that special. You made the cut! You are no longer on the B-team. If you know someone that wants to be added just let me know. I'll add anyone who wants to actually read this. Beggars can't be choosers.

So you're saying there's a chance....

I got a very pretty wedding invitation in the mail today with... oh yes, "melissa and guest". I love when my friends have faith in me! It's such a pretty invite that I am really excited about this wedding. I'm getting the feeling that the older we get, the less excited everyone is about weddings. By the time I get married I'm gonna have to just fly off to Vegas b/c no one will want to attend ANOTHER wedding.

P.S. There is no "and guest" that will be attending with me. So you can save the fancy ink on that. But it really is flattering for you to think so.

emily. you. are. awesome.

http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/index.php?cl=7933419

2 more days....

what I hear at the end of the day: "Is it okay if we write nice things about you on the board?"

my reaction: "No! What? I mean, yes, of course. Nice things only."

When I look up to see what they are doing....I start laughing aloud almost to the point of tears. They have written my name with a circle around it and then a web with descriptions such as "nice", "brown hair", "teaches math", "teaches reading", "funny", "pretty handwriting", "I'm glad I'm in your class", etc. This is what we sometimes do when discussing new vocabulary.

I LOVE how Gifted kids actually USE what they learn even when they are having fun.

What is wrong with me?

Why do I want to see this soooo badly!!???

Who's with me???

T.O.Y

A couple months ago we were supposed to do this project where we go around the school and take pictures of "best practices" and then we had to share these with a group for discussion. Obviously, I am not going to take this seriously. So I just went around and took pictures of funny stuff. Here's what my group learned about best practices:

And that's how you get to be Teacher of the Year.

Walgreens...what's up?

I just got this phone call:

"Hey, this is Monique from Walgreens. I was just letting you know that your pictures are ready. They have been here since February. 432 pictures. And they are already paid for."

WHAAAAAAAAAAT?? I don't even know what these pics are....? I guess I'll go find out.

i missed my o.a. meeting because I was at taco bell....

when I was thinking of what to get stephanie for her bday, why did i immediately think of Taco Bell gift cards....???

I have a neighbor who I only run into when I go to workout, which is twice a day....so he thinks I'm a total freak. But what he doesn't know is what I EAT.

Today's food diary:
Breakfast- box of cookies
2nd breakfast - fruit( i was feeling guilty about the cookies) and chocolate (i guess i don't really feel that guilty)
lunch and dessert
2nd lunch- 2 slices of pizza
cupcake
dinner
thinking about 2nd dinner...

Today was weak. I can do much better than that. I am a compulsive eater. Just in case you were not aware. It's a good thing I like to work out.

steph--don't worry I won't get you a taco bell giftcard....unless you really want one... which I know you secretly do....

Happy Mother's Day....belated

I totally forgot to post a story about my mom on Mother's Day. So here is what she told me a few weeks ago when she flew into Dallas. (If you know my mom and how much she talks this will make more sense. Also, her obsession with texting is equivalent to a 13 year old)

"Now I have this crappy phone and it doesn't have text messaging. My old phone broke, you know the blue one? Yeah, it kept getting overheated and would shut off when I was talking on it. So I figured out that if I put it in the freezer then it would cool down and I could keep talking. But then it totally broke and wouldn't turn on. I have no idea why. So I sent it to Sprint and they said it had "internal damage" so it wasn't covered under warranty. They said that I had obviously broken it. It broke on its own! I have no idea why it broke. I HAD to put it in the freezer because it was getting too hot. No, that was a GOOD idea because it would cool down. But then it just stopped working. It's all Sprint's fault that I don't have texting anymore."

My response after several minutes in silence:
"Wait.....you put your phone in the freezer.........on purpose?? I think I solved the mystery as to why it broke."

My mom:
"Why? Because Sprint makes crappy phones?"

"An Instrument for Everyone"

That was the quote I found when I googled "harmonicas". Recently I have discovered the passion for harmonicas. I really want to learn how to play one. But first I must own one. There are waaay too many to choose from. I was looking on Amazon.com and I came across the Lee Oskar Harmonica. Here is a quote from the product page:

Product Features
Airtight
Easier second-position bending
All key components are replaceable
Durable, they last longer than harps

Please note the last description. Ha! What? So if I'm deciding between a harmonica or a harp, I should go with the harmonica because it lasts longer?

Here are some other quotes I found:

Many thousands of people begin to learn how to play the harmonica every year, but many people give up in frustration.

Harmonica.Com is here to help you to learn to play the harmonica, to have fun playing the harmonica, so to find out how much fun the harmonica really can be, so take a look around!

Learn Harmonica- Millions of visitors can't be wrong!

Tip of the day
May 18, 2008
"Fills vs. Leads vs. Backup- Be sure that when you are playing with people, at any given moment, you know your role. Should you be playing a solo, or playing fills between vocal lines, or playing backup, or nothing? Avoid over playing and under playing. If you don't know whether you're doing one or the other, ask the people you're playing with. Or better yet, tape yourself, let it sit a day or two and then judge for yourself."

Researching harmonicas is hysterical. I wish I had thought of this years ago.

Tales from the old folks home

Last week I went to visit my grandad in his nursing home. His dementia is completely random so I would be sitting next to him for about 20 minutes and then he looked over and said, "Hey, Missy, I didn't recognize you." And sometimes he knew exactly who I was and asked questions about my class and stuff. But even with his mind going, it was great to know that his sarcastic personality is still intact. Case in point:

On Sunday morning, we all gathered in the lobby for a church service. We are all sitting around as the pianist is playing a few old hymns for the prelude. Then this half dressed lady who is grunting loudly and dancing around in her t-shirt starts to "perform" next to the piano. My grandad points to her and says, "look at THAT lady! She's craaaazy! I hope they give her a solo." During the sermon about 90% of the "congregation" is asleep so fortunately my mom blended right in. She's known to take naps during my dad's preaching, so this was pretty standard for her. Also, my grandad has been known to be a "ladies' man" which has not changed since he's been there. He has about 7 girlfriends and they all came over to flirt in their wheelchairs and 2 of them saved him a bib for lunch. I guess that's how you flirt when you get to be that old.

Also, his roommate, Dr. Hill, would constantly be screaming one of 2 things. "I need a catheter!!" or "I can't pee!" repeatedly. Apparently this had been going on for weeks and my grandad never noticed or said anything about it until the day I got there and said "This guy won't shut up. I think he lost his mind."

It was good to see him even though we had the same conversation about 3 times. Also, it was good to see my parents and eat 24,000 calories at Cracker Barrel.

gossip, girl

Lately I have started running at the park in the morning again. If you don't run, you should. If you run, you should do it at the park in the mornings. It's the greatest time to run, not only because it is the coolest time of the day but for the people you see. I consider myself an "authentic" runner. Meaning I don't run with music and it I do alone. So I have lots of time for people watching, thinking, and prayer. I do have favorites at the park and I think you should know about these people.

If you have run a race in Houston, any kind, be it marathon or some wimpy 5k, then you have seen this guy. He looks like that guy from the last of the Mohicans. Every time I see him running towards me I get the theme song for last of the mohicans stuck in my head and I have this urge to run into the woods and hide like he's going to scalp me or something. But he never does and he just sprints past me with his long mohawk ponytail hair flying in the wind. I love him but I'm also terrified of him.

There's this old man who sits on the same bench every day to brush his dog's hair. His dog is the cutest dog in the world and he is the oldest man in the world. The dog is Rocky. Everyone says hi to Rocky and Rocky's owner hits on every female that passes him and also yells random curse words when you don't talk to Rocky. He also encourages Rocky to growl at other dogs.

There is a woman who is ridiculously toned and always wears the exact same outfit. Sports bra, shorts, no shirt, ski gloves, ear muffs, did I mention no shirt? I'm no doctor, but I bet if you put a shirt on, you might not need the ear muffs and ski gloves...I'm just sayin'

And at mile 1.4 every day I pass the hot guy. You know how there's always one. No shirt, mucho muscles. Actually, the muscles are too big for my taste but he has a cute face. I try so hard not to stare at his moob, but it's just so huge! (moob= man boobs that are so huge they become a single unit) Every day he catches me staring at the moob. What do you do....Oh well.

No MSG

Our writing journal prompt today was:
"What would it be like if there was no T.V? Would it be good or bad? Explain."

So I call on my sweetest, cutest, littlest Asian to read his response aloud. This was his response.

"It would be better to not have T.V because too much T.V. hurts your eyes and you will have to wear glasses like Michelle and Danny."

(Michelle and Danny are 2 kids in the class who are sitting right there.)

My response after a very long awkward pause, "Ummm no, that's not why they were glasses."

littlest asian: "Yes, it is. My mom say so. And her friend say so.

Me: "No.....some of us need glasses because we were born with eye difficulties..."

little asian: " No. It true. Internet say so too."

Me: "ok, fine. who wants to share next?"

Geez....

I'm from Texas, y'all!

This morning at 5am I woke up to a scratching sound at my window. I get the flashlight and go outside ready to kick the crap out of a squirrel. (p.s. I HATE squirrels. We had a problem at our last house. I don't really want to talk about it.) And when I get outside, I can't believe what I see. An armadillo!! Yes, a real-life armadillo waddling away from my window.... Wait, where do I live? Oh yeah, okay so it's TOTALLY normal to see an armadillo outside your window. I really had no words for the Armadillo.

CHEESE AND RICE!!

At the end of the day today, one of my students was taking a quiz on one of the laptops and all of a sudden I hear a startling sound. "JESUS CHRIST!!" Ok....I'm totally shocked. Too shocked for words. I mean, he YELLED it! Who yells curse words?? So I start thinking....let's see....he's not praying.....And that is definitely not on the quiz he's taking. No, he meant to yell it. I just tell him, "We do not say that. Unless you're praying. And you're not. (Because you're a Muslim.) We'll talk more about this tomorrow." He was confused. Which is understandable. That is obviously not something wrong to say at home. So then I start thinking....is it okay to correct him?

Cursing is only censored for the listener. (quote by Reba) It's not censored so the person will stop saying it. It's censored because it's offensive to the listener only. Rarely do curse words offend me other than the Lord's name in vain. I actually like some curse words. I like it even better when people use fake curse words. Like "Effing" ,"what the fork", "biotch", "beetches", "A-hole", "WTF", "hells yeah", etc. I know that some of these are offensive to some of you. So I effing apologize. But obviously I would never use these words in front of my students. There's a time and place for cursing, beetches.

Falling in Love at Kroger on a Friday night

So last Friday night around 10pm, I make the weekly trip to Kroger for a box of cookies. Yes, I'm feeling like a loser. But even more so when Reba called me earlier that evening and said "So big Friday night plans, huh?" And when I say, "yes. huge plans." she then bursts out laughing. Obviously I'm a Friday Night Loser.

As I'm walking down the cookie aisle, I can't believe it. There's this totally hot guy walking towards me. It's just like a good 80s movie and it's all in slow-motion. He is walking towards me. Is it really 10 pm on a Friday night at Kroger? What is the hottie with a body doing on my aisle? Obviously, he is lost. Beer aisle is the next one, buddy. As we walk towards each other we realize very awkwardly that we are both stopping at the same place. I slow down to let him get what he needs. He grabs my box of cookies! No joke! MY cookies!! We look at each other out of the corner of our eye and then run off in opposite directions.

I am IN LOVE! with my cookies. I have no need to hide my affection for these cookies. Apparently, hot guys like to eat them on Friday night at 10pm too! Finally, I feel justified in my life choices.

It was NOT nice to meet you.

Things I love about local Irish pubs:
1. Smithwicks
2. Chilling with good friends
3. Smithwicks
4. Making fun of guys who try to hit on me and my girl friends

DISCLAIMER: The following story is completely TRUE. No part was exaggerated or fictional. All names have been kept the same to protect the innocent.

During most public outings I have "go away" stamped on my forehead. But when out at a pub, I make sure that is stamped in bold letters and lights flashing. I cannot stand for guys to think that can just come up to you and expect you to be interested in them.

So I look over and there's a guy bothering Megan (whose boyfriend is there and she has mentioned several times that he is coming right back from playing Golden Tee). He doesn't get it. Then he notices me. Crap.

guy: So can YOU guess what celebrity I look like?
me: Kevin Smith a.k.a Silent Bob from Jay and Silent Bob
guy: What???? NO!!!! I can't believe you said that!!
me: Hmm. Ok. Who do YOU think you look like?
guy: Johnny Depp
me: HAHAHAHAHAH!!! (fell on floor crying from laughter)
guy: What?? I can't believe you said Kevin Smith. So you think I'm fat and ugly?
me: You can make that judgment for yourself. I just said Kevin Smith.
guy: Hey guys!! (calling to other loser friends and waves them over) This girl knows who Kevin Smith is! Wow! I'm so impressed! Most girls don't know who that is....

Ok, so once we get rid of those guys. Which took about 30 minutes of consistently insulting them. Then another guy from another group comes over to our group of girls....this one is wearing some ridiculous tshirt that I immediately make fun of. After about 15 minutes of my ridicule, he walks away. Oh, but he's not finished. He comes back.

stupid tshirt guy: Hey, let's try this again. I'm Michael I think you're a very interesting girl. Can I get your number? I would like to hang out with you sometime.
me: I am an interesting girl. But I'm not interested in hanging out with you.
stupid tshirt guy: Did I mention that I cure Autism?
(no, he really said that...he really did)
me: REALLY!! That's great! Could you let me know about this cure? Because I know 2 students at my school who could really use it.
stupid tshirt guy: You're a teacher? That's hot.
me: (grabbing the business card and pen from him-- yes, the business card that he expected me to write my number on.....I write down "Michael. Cures Autism." Tell me more about this cure.
stupid tshirt guy: Well, you wouldn't understand it. It's very complicated.
me: Try me.
stupid tshirt guy: You probably don't know what the epidemiology of autism is.
me: It's the study of factors influencing autism.
stupid guy: (drops jaw. can't speak)
me: What? Should I write that down?
stupid guy: Obviously, you're a very smart girl, but there is no cure for Autism.
me: Oh Geez. I had NO idea! Well, get busy on that cure then. Call me when you find it.

Idiots.

In case you haven't read about this. A girl was born with 2 faces. Not conjoined twins, just one girl. 2 faces. I can't stop staring at this picture. This girl was born to a family in India and all the Hindis think that she is a goddess who has come to life. They have like over 700 gods and goddess and lots of them have several arms and legs and other body parts. So it's interesting that all those people are now worshipping her. If she had been born in America, I bet the first thing her family would do is figure out how to get rid of one face so that she would be "normal".

So Reba....I need your medical information. I'm confused about a few things.

1. Which mouth eats?

2. Which face do you talk to?

3. How will she take a school picture?

4. What is going on here? What happened? Why weren't you the one to tell me about this? You love this kinda stuff.

$5.49

Ok, I lied. I need to work for the money. I just checked my bank account. It was more than I thought! For once, it's not a negative number. Go me!

What to do this summer.....

I'm trying to decide what to do this summer. I really need to work. Not for the money but just to avoid being a worthless couch potato. Here are a few options:

1. Work at the zoo as a tour guide.
2. Teach summer school.
3. Teach High School summer school.
4. Go to VA Beach and practice my surfing.
5. Work retail. Some options: Urban, Anthro, PB
6. Be a dolphin trainer.

Ok, #6 is really not an option. Does anyone have any other suggestions?

"How do you know your love is real? Check Facebook."

What a GREAT article. I'm so glad to find CNN reporting about important issues like Facebook.

This morning's writing prompt: "Why is diversity important?"

These are a few responses.

"Diversity is important because without it, I would not be able to find my friend on the playground. Because everyone would look the same. So I might talk to the wrong person."

"Diversity is important because it's important to try new things like hairstyles. If everyone always had the same hairstyle then no one would ever invent braids or bangs and it would be boring."

"Diversity is important because if we didn't have diversity then we would eat the same thing for dinner every night."

Tomorrow will be my first full day back at school in 2 weeks! I'm actually kinda excited. Except when I think about the fact that these kids have had a substitute for an entire week. Lord, grant me patience.

I've been very sick since returning to the USA and it might be due to the fact that I've picked up a cute little spanish-speaking parasite. I like to call him Pedro. Our relationship is complicated.

Pedro: Te amo, Maleeesa.

Me: I know, Pedro, but your love is killing me.

Pedro: Lo siento.

Me: I think we should see other people. It's time for you to go.

Pedro: El corazon rompe.

Estados Unidos

Somewhere in between getting stuck in the Bahamas, sleeping 4 hours a night, 12 hour car rides, eating fish heads, the rampant livestock, and losing Kelley's passport in Qba, I had fun. It would take too long to explain right now. But if I complain at all this week about anything in my life, I would be a fool. I am very glad to be home.

Dear doctors,

Please tell me what NOT to check off when you give me that pink paper that asks about all my problems. If you are going to stare at me like I'm crazy and tell me to see my "regular" doctor because I checked the box "see flashing lights", then I won't check that box! I'm just being honest! I see lights. And they're flashing. But I won't tell you about it if you're gonna make a big deal out of it.

And when the nurse tells me that my insurance company wants everyone to get a HIV test once a year, and I say OK. Then don't give me a lecture about possibly having HIV. (By the way, that test was negative--good to know) I didn't think I had HIV, I was just doing what the nurse and my insurance told me to do!

love,
your favorite hypochondriac

p.s. My nickname at work is "the druglord" so please keep those prescriptions flowing....

Disclaimer: Ok, so my nickname is actually based upon the fact that I have more OTC drugs in my purse than the school nurse and more advocare vitamins than I know what to do with.

Dear girls who shop for clothes with their boyfriends,

If your boyfriend is trying to get you to buy something that you don't think looks good on you, I can promise you one thing. It is probably too skanky to wear and you shouldn't buy it. Do not listen to him.

A lesson from God at Super Target

I was on the phone with Rebes and we were discussing choices in life. You know, like, where should I live? Why am I in Houston? Should I change careers? What residency she should pursue? And we were discussing the ever present question of "what's God's will for my life?" Also I was contemplating which cookie dough to buy. I couldn't decide between the peanut butter cups and the regular chocolate chip. Also there's the choice of Pillsbury or Tollhouse. After seeking Godly wisdom from Rebes and about an hour of agonizing over this tough decision. I decided to "settle" with the Pillsbury regular chocolate chip, even though it wasn't what I really wanted, but it was the best choice available. I reach to take the package and guess what!! There was Pillsbury peanut butter cups behind it! What!?? It was better than I had ever imagined.

Moral of the story: Sometimes God pushes you toward a direction and maybe it doesn't "feel" right or you're very hesitant to follow. Maybe it's not exactly what you want. But then after you have made that decision, He reveals something to you that is better than you ever dreamed. Maybe you have to reach out in faith for the chocolate chip to ultimately get the peanut butter.

Just in case you haven't decided what you are doing for St. Patty's Day, let me help you make that decision. They are playing at Sherlock's. Oh yeah, and my friend's band is opening for them.

Who rocked the body who rocked the party?

Went to a new class on Wednesday. It was better than Pilates. I was the newbie and everyone stared at me. The instructor was this butch construction worker chick from the 80s with a huuuuuge gap in her front teeth. So obviously, I loved her. But my favorite part was when she walked around the room and would point and yell "AWESOME!!" and "SUPER!!" and "PEEEERRRRFECT!" at me. Yes, me. All the pointing was to me. Yeah, I rocked that Sculpt class. Ok, so I was the only one under 60 and not preggers.

It's not about the stoplight.

After spending 28 minutes at a stoplight (which was NOT broken), I have decided I don't like Houston. Yes, it took me 4 years and 3 months to determine this. I think it's time to move on. For several reasons that I will not publicly write about. But I just wanted to let you know. Just in case you get sad when I move away. You can't say that I haven't warned you that I'm going to quit Houston.

Engaged!!

No, not me. Don't worry, I have been reminded 3 times this week (yes, it's only Tuesday) "And that, Melissa, is why you will never get married." So I have a big mouth and I'm cynical. Whatever.

My friend Kelly got engaged and I love the story!! So here it is:

"He took me to Vic and Anthony's for Valentine's Day and when the waiter brought over the dessert menu it was actually a menu he had made that was an exact replica of the actual dessert menu and the last selection said "Kelly will you marry me" and I read it about five times before I looked up and said "is this for real?" and then he dropped to one knee in the front of everyone in the restaurant and asked me to marry him."

LOVE IT!!!

Knowing me, I would have ruined it and ordered something else. "Um yes, I'll have the creme brulee"

R.I.P. Reba's blog

Sadly, Rebes has become paranoid that one of her colleagues might discover the true identity of her blog so she has terminated the link. However, she has assigned me the task of renaming her site so that no one will ever associate her with it.

Please vote for your favorite:

"Asian babies and placentas are hot"
"Hottie with a body"
"I can't find my purple upside down glasses"
"Me gusta big muscles"
"I drive a Toyota"
"I'm too sexy for my car"
"I miss my lisp"
"Don't hate just because you can't relate"
"Single and ready to mingle"
"Terminally awkward"
"Liquid lunch"
"I fell off a stripper pole in the party bus and tore my ACL"
"You're just another vagina" (this is what she told me today after i told her about the trip to the gyno)
"Don't worry...I'm a doctor."

Unfortunately, these suggestions were too obviously descriptive of Reba and so obviously Reba, so she wishes that you suggest more.

Voting....not my idea of fun

Mom: So are you excited about voting tomorrow?

me: What? i don't vote. (just to get her all mad....hehe)

mom: You don't vote???! Why!? Since when? Have you EVER voted?? What's wrong with you? I need you to go vote for my man!!

me: Mom, Huckabee is not going to win.

mom: He might!! (proceeds to discuss politics for about 15 minutes or so as I download music from Itunes and put the phone down)

me: Well, it doesn't really matter to me. i'm probably going to leave the country soon anyways.

mom: But you'll come back one day....right? And just think, when you come back...Huckabee might be the prez!!!

me: Mom, just because you met him and you think you're best friends now doesn't mean he's going to invite you to the white house or anything....

mom: He might....

me: Ok, well that's a good reason for me not to vote for him. You do not need to be anywhere near the white house.

mom: (goes on for about 20 minutes about how Huckabee will win just like Ronald Reagan)

me: ????

hmm......

Man gets shot to avoid work

Please note the reason why he was avoiding work.

I can't decide....

I'm really horrible at making decisions. As the famous, Reba, once said...

"Stop making decisions! You are horrible at making your own decisions. From now on, let me make your decisions for you!"

This is coming from the chick who sends me weekly emails asking what color shoes she should purchase for work. No one is going to be looking at your shoes in the hospital. I promise.

Pilates

So I went to a new Pilates class today and it's one of those classes where everyone is like super fit and there are only like 5 people in the class. I definitely stood out in my tight black pants surrounded my mirrors showing off all my ASSets. And the instructor stares at me the entire time. And she kept saying, "we've never done this move before, but let's try it..." and every move was for your hips and thighs. So she stared at my hips in the mirror during every move and then "ok, guys, keep going.....now another move we've never done before...." And sure enough, all we do are moves that work your hips and thighs. Nothing else. I know what she was doing. I'm very aware of the size of my hips, but thank you for noticing and making me work it out.

Inschool suspension = my room (Room 124)

So now I'm the official in school suspension room. Gotta love it. Today I had Booker T. in my room all day. We'll call him Booker T. And we can pretend that's not his name. But it is. I really like this kid. He's in my 4th grade tutorial group. I might be the only teacher in the school who actually likes him. Because he's bad. And lazy. And has a bad attitude. So naturally, I like him. He got caught stealing something from the principal. I'm not sure what he stole but it was on camera. I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to do with the inschool suspension kids, as I have not been trained on this. But I made him do some work and I made him cry. Mission accomlished. I think...?

I wonder who I'll have tomorrow......

By the way, the funniest kid alive, Marquis, sneaks out of his classroom(which is upstairs) every day around 11:30 to come ask me if I'll give him some Crystal Light......?? Everyday. Except, yesterday, he asked me to go get him Chickfila. ??? Everyday, I say the same thing. NO! Get out of here!

When his class walks by my room in the afternoon, I always hear his teacher say "no! marquis, ms. mcgoldrick does NOT want to talk to you. I promise. get back in line!"

I love my job.

Raised By Wolves

Raised By Wolves is a first grader who was sent to my room on Monday. When you first meet this child, you think she is very cute and sweet. That will last about 35 seconds and then she'll do some bizarre thing. She was in my room about 2 minutes sitting on the carpet with my class as we are sharing our journal writing. I explain to her that I expect her to be a big girl and sit on the floor and just watch everyone else and do what they are doing. After about 15 minutes, for no apparent reason, she gets up , walks over to the gerbil's cage, opens it, and proceeds to stick her arm in to grab the gerbil. Whaaaaat?? No! Stop! What are u thinking?? As we do work, I give her a coloring book so she can do her work. Randomly, she would scream or throw her hands on the desk to make a loud noise. My kids just stare and mutter 'freeeak.' under their breath. After about an hour of her, I was certain that she must be possessed. But then when we watched a video about context clues, she cuddles up in my lap showing signs of being human. Doesn't last long. At one point, she ran out of the room and down to the first grade hallway to get her lunch card. (not lunch time at all) I bring her back into my room and she starts stamping her arm with my stamps before I could grab her. I'm really glad I wore jeans and tshirt that day because all I did was chase this animal. All day I just kept thinking, "did that just happen?" My kids were really great about it. I had the girls show her how to stand in line, how to wash her hands, how to tuck in her shirt, how to tie her shoes, etc. I have always seen Raised By Wolves in the hallway, but to have her in the classroom was much more exciting. It was like a Choose your own Adventure for her. All day.

"Refocus"

So our school has this policy about "Refocus". It's basically a glorified 'timeout'. But it sounds more professional to say "you need to rethink your behavior in the refocus area" instead of "get in time-out". But if a kid is really bad then they get sent out of the room and placed in my room....don't ask. So our assistant principal comes in my room and puts a kid in my Refocus desk and says, "watch him until 2:15 and he can go back to class." Nice. So this kid throws all my papers everywhere and pouts. So I look at his paper and it has "jale" written on it. So of course, I'm like, "you're name is Jale?? Really ? like Jail? Like where bad people go."
"No that's not my name. "
"Ok, so Jale, what was your behavior?" (this is question #1 on the paper)
"stole someone's money"
"What??? really???"
GASP!!! (from my students)
"Well, what did you want?" (question #2)
"money"
"good answer. write that down."
#3 What will you do next time?
"I'll listen to my teacher."
"How would that help? I mean, really. You're a thief. You have a problem with stealing, not listening."
"oh.....can I go back to class."
"i haven't decided."
question #4 Are you ready to go back to class? check yes or no.
Jale was really excited about this question. "I'm ready. See, I put a check."
"No, that's an X, but you can't steal anymore. Got it? And we'll go talk to your teacher to see what she says. She might say no. I would say no if you were in my class."
"Ok, i'll be good. I won't steal no more. I promise."

So....does refocus work? Absolutely not. However, it makes my day so much more interesting when they send them to me. I'll write more about the girl I had yesterday that we refer to as "Raised By Wolves."

Google saves lives

Whenever I don't know an answer to something, I google it. My kids have started to answers questions with "why don't we just google it?" I love it!

For example, last week the kids asked what A.M and P.M meant in Latin. I knew it was latin but didn't know what. Now I know.

Today I couldn't figure out what building was on the back of the nickel. Now I know, but I'm not telling you'll have to google it yourself.

Happy President's Day

coworker: "Well, we work in HISD so we'll Cinco de Mayo off work before we get President's Day...."

What a great idea! It's a much better holiday anyways.

Quote of the week

me: "Do you ever get in trouble at home?"

one of my favorite students: "Sometimes I bad."

Me: "When could you possibly ever be bad?"

perfect student (after thinking for several minutes): "Sometime I forget to pick up toys."

If you are Japanese and you are reading this, I beg you to reproduce as much as possible. You make the most perfect kids in the world! And if you have extras that you don't need, I'll take one. :)

Thanks, mom

Did Valentine's Day come early?

Why did I just get an email from an old love interest who writes that he's getting married in 2 weeks? Why?! Haven't seen or heard from him in 3 years and he picks now to tell me. Thank you for reminding me of how single I am.

Espanol

Yo necisito habar espanol para Spring Break. Help, por favor. Mi espanol es no beuno.

Skittles is going to die. Again. I'm just going to put this prediction out there. Yesterday I put her in her little ball and as I was doing closing it and locking it shut I smashed her tail in it. So part of her tail is now missing. I wanted to vom. So disgusting. I really don't think that I was not meant to have my own pets. Or my own children.

what a girl wants

me: I just want a guy who isn't going to always argue with me. And he will love me unconditionally regardless of what I say or do. And he will let me say whatever I want. And not tell me to stop complaining.

Reba: No, what you need is a guy who is going to put you in your place. Everyday.

So Skittles (the class gerbil) went home with a certain someone this past weekend and she came back not looking quite like herself. More like a different gerbil. Different size, color, etc. When I send her home with a student, she has all of her toys, food and also a journal. The kids are supposed to write from her perspective to tell about her weekend. Suspiciously, I check out her journal which reads:

"I'm having a great time this weekend with _____. He even took me to the park. He keeps opening my cage. His mom really doesn't like me. But I'm having a very very very good time."



the park??!

Me gusta Taco Bell.

I can come to the conclusion that there are two types of people in this world. There are those who love Taco Bell and there are those who won't admit that they love Taco Bell. Taco Bell is one of the greatest gifts that God has sent us. I love that I can order 6 things and it's about 2 bucks. The best is when you have ordered 6 things and only 1 drink (so it's quite obvious that this is for 1 person) they ask, "is that all?" IS THAT ALL!! I love it! Someone who understands my compulsive overeating!!

So I want to know....which type of person are you?

Quick Update

I posted a couple things today because I know you have all fallen into depression for my lack of blogging. Here's what's new:
-started Beth Moore bible study. I'm really going to try to go to hear her every week and finish this one.
-have decided that 2008 is not as bad as I thought it was going to be
-quit Taco Bell. That lasted about 12 hours before I gave in to my cravings
-volunteer with an after school club called "Young Astronauts"
-after school Reading Club called "Name That Book"
- tutor after school on Mondays for 5th grade
- tutor after school on Thursdays for 4th grade
- got a class pet
- Stanford testing ----is over! YAY!
- www.shamrockmarathon.com Who is with me??

What was I thinking?

Our class now has a class pet. A gerbil. It's a love/hate relationship for me. Sometimes I think that she is really cute, but most of the time I think she is the most disgusting, obnoxious, smelly, repulsive creature in the universe. Her favorite thing to do is to run in the wheel in her cage at excessive speeds. Normally, she adheres to her natural nocturnal tendencies. But some days she is up all day. Running in her wheel. She also likes to transport all of her food into the wheel so that she can eat, run a lap, eat, run a lap and so on. She could be somewhat of a genius or she might just have exercise bulimia. Nevertheless, she has gained some weight recently most likely due to her compulsive eating during workouts.

YMCA

So I workout at the Y and I found a few newly posted signs in the ladies locker room very amusing.

"Do not use shaving cream in the whirlpool.

Do not use hair dye in the locker room.

Thank you for following these rules."

There were about 5 of these signs posted all over the locker room on the mirrors. And you know that this was written because obviously someone broke these rules. You would think this would fall under 'common sense', but I guess it needs to be stated. But here's what I want to know....
When did shaving your legs in the whirlpool become an option for you? Were you in the hot tub and looking down at your hairy legs and thought, "gosh, if only I had my razor...because NOW would be a great time to shave my legs." And hair dye? What was the thought process for that one? Gosh, I wish I had time to dye my hair. Oh, I know. I'll just do that at the GYM.

2007: a year to remember

so apparently, we are supposed to reflect on the year before. Ok, well. Here was my 2007:

January - ran my first marathon

March- snowboarding in Canada

April- va beach

May- playing in St. John and BVI

June- trip to grandma's farm

July- mission trip to Philippines

Aug- Va Beach

Sept- austin

Nov- trip to Ireland

Dec- Va Beach

other: made new friends, ended some friendships, learned how to surf(kinda), gained 10 pounds, lost 10 pounds, moved to a new apartment, moved to a new school, taught a new grade level, new sunday school class, learned to play the guitar---wait no, got a new guitar but haven't learned to play it yet. Overall, it was a pretty good year.

new revelations:

1. i'm an idiot.
2. i hate people.
3. i'm not a fan of 2008.

discuss.

Christmas 2007

I wonder what's inside!? This pretty much sums up the ridiculousness of my family. We stopped pretending that we are normal a long time ago.

Ooops...

I was supposed to take a teaspoon of cough syrup not a tablespoon. I didn't think cough syrup was supposed to be that much fun.

Goals for tomorrow:

1. Get out of bed.

2. Get to the airport.

3. Make it to Houston. alive.

4. Find car.

5. Drive home.

6. Get back in bed.

"You're medically boring."

Thank you, Dr. Waddell. This was his conclusion after reading my medical history chart. Then he checked me over and concluded that I have a sinus infection, the flu, and bronchitis. But let's start this story from the beginning.

A clue that I may not be feeling well is when I can't eat all that I ordered from Taco Bell. When there are leftovers around me, you know something is wrong. So on Sunday I wasn't feeling well. We (my family and I) were supposed to leave for Texas on Christmas day. But on that day I can't get out of bed, I have a temperature over 102 and can barely breathe. So my mom sets a massive bottle of Tylenol on my dresser and tells me to catch the next flight to Texas. They leave. Tylenol only made the fever go away. After 2 days of feeling like a bus hit me. twice. I decide to make a doctor's appointment. Random selection of doctor. After many phone calls (no one wants new patients) I find a doctor and have to get directions which goes like this:

"Are you coming from the Boulevard or the Shore?"
"What's the Boulevard?"
"Umm...Virginia Beach Boulevard"
"Oh, I dunno. I'm in a house...in a neighborhood.... Cypress Point. I think.... There's a golf course. Ummm"
"What's the name of your street?"
"Uh....good question...let me go check the mail. Actually I'll just mapquest this."
"Good idea."

So I get in a car that I've never driven to a part of town I've never been as I'm coughing up a lung and it's pouring down rain and 30 degrees. Dr. Wadell was cool. He walks in and we start talking and I realize that he's Australian. So I wanted to say something, but what would I say? "So...you're Australian." That'd be like him saying..."so you're sick." Maybe I could ask what part of Australia he's from. But I don't know anything about Australia. Keep your mouth shut, Melissa. I had to keep telling myself this over and over. We chatted for over an hour, partly because he had a good sense of humor, but mostly because I was his only patient the day after Christmas. All of a sudden, I realize that he's not Australian. Not even a little bit. He checks me out and determines that I am need of several medications:

1. Z Pack. BOR-ING. Ok, Dr. Wad-DULL, don't be so obvious.
2. some kind of nasal spray from outer space. This stuff is ridiculous. It's like snorting Vaporub. He told me that people get addicted to it and gave me a lecture for about 15 minutes. I really don't want to go to rehab for nasal spray. How embarrassing.
3. Cough syrup. No no no. I don't do cough syrup, Dr. Waddell. When he assures me that this cough syrup is laced with Vicodin, then I knew he was the greatest doctor on the planet.

After setting off the car alarm at Walgreens(while I'm in the car) I told the pharmacist that I would wait for my prescriptions so I don't have to come back here and get lost again. I spent over $100 on prescriptions, soup, and vitamin water.

So I get home to play with the medication. The cough syrup looks like what I kept coughing up. NASTY! But I pour it in a shot glass to psych myself up and chant VICODIN! VICODIN! and chase it with Vitamin water. WOOOHOOO!!! I was ready to PAR-TAY!

Needless to say, I'm feeling alot better today. Not totally well, but much better.

Are we still in high school??

I just have to ask. Due to all the latest drama I need to know....are we adults living in adult world? or is this high school part 2?

by the way, my mom sent me a text a few days ago that said:

"ideas for christmas gifts. HSM2?"

YES!!! I love it. I love HSM and even more HSM2, but I don't want to be in high school again. ever.

Killarney

Ummm...not sure what to say about this town. It was cute. Maybe my favorite town. Not alot going on, but very quiet and quaint. We took a bus tour of the Ring of Kerry, walked around the town a little, and hung out at the cutest hostel ever made called the Sugan.

Inside the Sugan.

On the side of the road. Stuff like this is everwhere in Ireland. Random remains of castles.

We had lunch here.

Blarney....not baloney

What they don't tell you about the Blarney Stone is that in order to get to it you have to put your life in danger and climb a 30000 year old castle that is falling apart. It was pretty scary at some points. Being the clumsiest person alive, I'm very thankful that I didn't fall. And yes, people have fallen and died. But it's all worth it to kiss the stone and receive the gift of eloquence. Which I obviously didn't need to do.

I'm glad I didn't fall.
Yeah, try walking on that.

All for this stone. It looks like I'm crying, but I'm really laughing. I think. Maybe I was crying.

View from the top.

You think you know...but you have no idea.

Let's just say that we had a little plumbing issue early this morning. New carpet will be in order for tomorrow for just about 1/2 of the apartment. As I was standing in 3 inches of water this morning, I was wondering what is God trying to teach me? (Actually, let's be honest. I was thinking 'what is God doing to me?') So I did what I always do in a stressful situation. Called my school for a sub. Went to CVS and overloaded on peanut hershey kisses and diet dr. pepper. Life is a little better now.

The craic was mighty!!

That means that I had a good time in Ireland. Craic= good times, fun. So you could ask "where's the good craic?" and they would tell you. And yes it's pronounced like "crack". I was only there for 7 days but I saw most of the country. There's alot to tell so I'm going to try to go in sequential order.

Arrived in Dublin. Took the bus to Cork. Hid my camera and tried to act like I wasn't a tourist. Sorry no pictures to display at this point. However, I did encounter a little culture shock. At the airport I was walking through baggage claim and there was an Irish lady pushing a cart and shouting "RUDE!" and pointed at each person she was passing. I tried desperately to get out of her way, but of course I jumped right in her path of craziness and she pointed and shouted "RUDE!" at me. I'm thinking, wow, are all the Irish like this? Luckily, I got out of Crazy Town and several nice people helped me find my way to the bus station and even one lady let me use her phone when I couldn't figure out how to use my phone card to call my sister.

So I get on the bus and it's pretty nice. We stopped along the way for a restroom/food break at a place that would be equivalent to a gas station but no gas. As I am leaving the restroom, I run into another Irish lady. She stops me and says, "teeelets." ummm, okay. So I smile and say hi. And she looks very confused and says, "do you know where?" Umm. "Excuse me?" "Teeelets?" "I'm not sure." She looks very angry at this point. "Teelets??!!" "I'm sorry, I really don't know what you are asking. Are you asking for the restroom? Toilets?" "NO! TEELETS!!" Oh, my gosh. I'm obviously not from here. Doesn't my obnoxious American accent tell you anything? However, this doesn't seem to deter her from getting louder. "Well, if you are looking for the toilets, it's right there." I point to the massive sign that says "Toilets". She says, "are you sure?" "YES. Very sure." So toilets is what you say instead of restroom. But it's pronounced Teelets. We definitely speak the same language. This is going to be harder than I thought.


Imagine all the stereotypes you have about the Irish and what Ireland is like and that is what it is. The men look like rugby players, they curse ALOT, they say inappropriate things ALOT, there are A LOT of pubs, everyone looks the same, Feck is their favorite word (yes, that is how they pronounce it), there are lots of red heads, old men walk with canes and little Jack Russell dogs, all beer comes in a pint, it's rainy and/or cloudy most of the time, there are random old castles on the side of the road everywhere, potatoes are served with every meal.

This is Katie. She is the youngest of the kids and she is obsessed with pink. She also came into my room and told me that it was messy and proceeded to pack my suitcase for me. Her favorite game is "what's this". She asked her mom what color I was, hoping that I would be pink. As you can see from the picture, she's a little diva.

Here are some pics of Cork.

To be continued......

I have a few hopes and dreams for Ireland. These are the things I want to accomplish while there:

1. Capture a leprechaun. Ok, or just see one.

2. Learn new Irish words and phrases. That won't be the hard part. But using them correctly might be.

3. Have someone refer to me as a lassie. hahaha I dunno.

4. Find a pot of gold.

5. Kiss the Blarney stone.

6. Go to a real Irish pub.

7. Go to mass at St. Patrick's church. I've never been to mass before so I'm not sure what to expect.

8. Not get robbed or stabbed.

Dear Hershey Chocolate Company,

Stop making new delicious flavors. You are ruining my life.

Melissa

my boring life

So I was thinking about how boring my life is and how I want to move to a new and exciting city. But then I realized that I was at Target buying items to make a karate costume for a pig.

Maybe my life isn't as boring as I think. I'll explain more on Friday about that. There will be pictures too if I can remember to bring my camera.

What I'm obsessed with...

Most of you know that I get really obsessed with certain things for a short amount of time until something new comes along and needs to be obsessed about. These are my latest obsessions.

1. reading biographies...mostly about missionaries that lived a long time ago like William Carey, Amy Carmicheal and Patrick of Ireland (yeah, took me awhile to figure out that was ST. Patrick. He was really interesting.)

2. the candy corn pumpkins! I dream about these all year long and now it's the only time of year when I can justify eating an entire bag of them. you know it's an obsession when caroline and i break into nicole's classroom just to steal some of these pumpkins from her estimation jar. oops! your class might need to re-estimate that.

3. running. I feel really weird when I skip a day. so I even ran the 1/2 marathon with a fever yesterday. probably why I'm home sick today.

4. Jimmy Eat World's new cd. "Chase this Light" I listen to it about twice a day. I think that justifies an obsession.

5. Looking up international schools and then researching the city and getting obsessed about it. Currently I am obsessed with Cairo. I just go over my obsession with Madrid.

6. My trip to Ireland!! Yes, it's really happening. 20 more days!

"Keep Austin Weird"

I think the photos pretty much sum up the trip. Good times had by all.